You'll never get to college, but you'll sure look cool

Greetings, people of America.

I am pleased to inform you that I have transferred to the dark side. Why you ask? Well for one thing, I heard they have cookies. And I love cookies.

I would like to confirm, by the way that they DO have cookies. White chocolate macadamia nut cookies, ironically.

Anywho, petty little baked goods are not the sole purpose for my choice.

It is also because of my childhood. My childhood was an exemplary foundation for a budding supervillian like myself. I was made fun of for my low, sketchy-sounding chuckle and my inability to dodge those cursed dodgeballs. Also, no one ever remembered my birthday, leaving me to draw pictures of birthday cakes in dirt and blow out the candles myself.

My bitterness has been teeming within my soul for quite some time now, and today, it burst into an raging fire of sour emotions.

So I concocted a master plan. Thanks to How to Be a Villain by Neil Zawacki, that was cake. Hypothetical cake.

How to Be a Villain: Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans and More!!! by Neil Zawacki

Buy it at your local underground evil genius warehouse market today!

Let it begin. Mwahahahaha.

To begin, I will first blackmail and kidnap the chosen one. (You know, the chosen one?) This will cause the world to tremble and wonder, paralyzed by my arrival. "Who is this criminal mastermind?" they will ask, "and why does she look so good in menacing medieval armor?" They will soon find out, and regret the day they ever wondered. Next, I will seize control of the internet. This will all be done from my underground secret headquarters of doom, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this catastrophe, the world will weep uncontrollably and fall into catatonic trances, as countless hordes of the undead hasten to do my every bidding. Finally, I will set forth my armies of destruction, bringing about a 1984-style police state. My name shall become synonymous with untamed and unchecked power, and no man will ever again dare forget my birthday. Everyone will bow before my unmatched political prowess, and the world will have no choice but to give me complete control of the planet and spend the rest of their wretched lives spoonfeeding moose trax ice cream into my glutunous mouth, performing the "Cotton Eye Joe" dance before my throne, and hanging by their toes as my undead henchmen tickle them until they drift off to madness.

Oh, what will I do with the chosen one?! Oh bother! Well, I suppose he could spend his time shining the immense statue that will be erected of me in the center of my kingdom. Yes, that will do...

(Nicest Kids in Town from Hairspray)